The Fat Girl Running – Kristann Monaghan

Today I have to give a shout out to BFF because it is her birthday so Happy Burfday Cinderelly!  Hope it was a great one!  Pretty sure my BFF rocks and helps me out in so many ways.  We were discussing this blog today and I was saying how sometimes it is really hard to figure out what I want to write about.  I am so sure that my life is super boring to everyone and who the heck would want to read it.  Well, considering I took a month off and got lots of emails and comments on Facebook about how people were missing the blog, I guess it is not as boring as I think it is.  BFF has helped me get ideas the last few days because honestly, some days just seem so ho-hum and I think…really who wants to read about how I deep cleaned my bathroom or how I contemplated my bellybutton lint for like an hour or how I decided to finally sit on the other side of the couch because I want to even out the couch dents from my flass?  Especially when I have been lazy on my workouts or taking time to shop for yard gnomes.  No really.  I did that today.  I have this weird fascination with yard gnomes and flamingos and had to buy a gnome today.  It called to me.  I am serious.  He now sits in my yard chilling out and taking in the scenery of the hood.  Take that Home Owner’s Association!  My gnome laughs at you!

Pretty sure he protects me from SOTL man who I saw today as he walked past my house and I was getting my mail.  Damn.  Creepster now knows which street I live on.  I am pretty sure I stopped dead in my tracks, in the middle of the street, looking ever which way for his fat girl kidnapping van when I saw him.  I furiously looked for a place to hide where he wouldn’t see me but I failed.  The only thing big enough to hide a fat girl was the mailboxes and I was already in front of them.  Not like I could dive under them head first like a stealth ninja.  While my ninja skills are vast and world renown, I am sure the flurry of my Fitness magazine falling to the ground (if I subscribe to it then I will get skinny right?) and the skacurffle of the of the bush behind said mailboxes might give me away. Wish I had my ninja outfit on.  Then I could have done it I am sure.  Instead, I walked slowly and quietly with my mail and tried to not make eye contact.  I could feel him drooling as I walked by.  Made me want to pull up my shirt and blind him with the brilliance of whiteness that is my fat girl stoob.  But that might be like porn to him, so I controlled myself and continued walking right up to my neighbors driveway.  There I stopped as to give the illusion that this was my house and that a piece of mail was suddenly so interesting and requiring me to stop and read it before I continued into my house.  I was almost sure this had worked till I heard him call back to me as he walked “Nice Gnome.”  Shoot.

At least my blogger’s block seems to be slightly cured with the appearance of SOTL man even if he does know where I live.  He probably already knew.  Creeper stalker.  The gnome, however, will continue to guard the front door.  Pretty sure he would come to my aid in a magical way if I needed.  I can dream right?  Sigh.  Now if only I can find a yard flamingo….

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did try to fool SOTL man and failed as my ninja skills could not be put to proper use today.  I am fat girl who shops for yard gnomes and cures her own bloggers block running.  The experiment continues….