How to embarrass your daughters in public (by my Mother) :)

Today was dreaded weigh in day.  Bleh.  This is the day every week that fills me with dread.  Sometimes it takes a lot to get me to walk into the bathroom and see that scale beckoning to me.  I decided to make it quick and jumped on fast before my shower, held my breath, and BOOYAH!  Down 1.2 lbs this week!  Let the naked fat girl dance of joy commence!  Take that weight (imagine my awesome karate skills here)!!!   The only change I made this week, since I am starting my 30 day jumpstart next week was that I took healthy snacks to work instead of relying on the candy box that is ever-present on our unit.  Almond butter and sugar-free jelly sandwiches are my new favorite because they give me that protein boost and fill me. Yummy Yummy!  Also, BFF and I are recommitting ourselves to the Y (I drove by it today…does that count?) and meeting tomorrow am to do a workout that I am sure will kick my bootie.  I have not worked out in I don’t know how long.  At least a month.  I really have no excuse either except for I am lazy.  But really it is all a mind-set and I just need to change my outlook.  So I shall wave my magic fairy godmother’s wand and Presto chango…..attitude changed!  I wish house cleaning was that easy….

Not many things remind me that I am a fat girl but recently I took a trip to Texas, if you recall, to visit my seester and I was painfully reminded twice that I am a fat girl.  First off, when you sit next to a fat girl on an airplane, please do NOT repeatedly keep pushing down on the arm rest if it does not go down the first time.  Hello!  Yes, my fat is right there and if you give me a minute, I will gladly shift so that you can put your arm rest down.  But repeatedly slamming it into my fat roll only bruises me and reminds me I am larger than you.  Geez…give a girl a minute to get settled will ya? Secondly, we went to Six Flags Over Texas while I was there.  We went to ride on Batman and holy cow those seats were the tightest things on the planet and I felt like I needed to be greased up with some Crisco before sitting in them.  Even my seester and BIL felt the same way and we are not so big that we can’t ride rides.  And yes, we did witness this humiliation for some poor guy while we were there and we felt so awful for him.  We all commiserated as we passed the Crisco around to grease up for the next ride.  At least it was not like The Mummy ride at Universal, where they actually have the humiliation of a seat test outside the ride to see if your fat ass can fit in there.  Gross.  Speaking of my trip to Texas and being embarrassed…..ever had one of THOSE embarrassing moments where you don’t know whether to laugh or walk away cuz you are so embarrassed?  Pretty sure my seester and I experienced this full hilt while shopping with our Mom.  My Mom might have written the  handbook on doing so with this latest installment.  She could write a chapter entitled How To Embarrass Your Daughters In Public.  But really, it is too funny to not repeat.  While in an accessory store, my seester and I were cracking jokes about some of the gaudy long necklaces we kept seeing.  My Mom is usually a good sport and puts up with me and my seester when we are together because we can be kind of obnoxious sometimes.  This time, she got the best of us thought without meaning too (or did she?)  Finding the most gaudy, gold, huge long, old lady necklace I could, I held it up to my Mom and asked her sweetly if she would like me to buy it for her.  My mother, without missing a beat and VERY LOUDLY said “Goodness! That one is long enough to decorate your COOCHY!”  Shocked, I covered my mouth with my hand.  My seester, however, had a different reaction.  I thought  she was gonna pee her pants laughing at the fact that Mom just said the word coochy loud enough for everyone in the store to hear (I know some of the other ladies heard too by the looks we got) and had to grab onto the wall.  I was so shocked my Mom said the word coochy I didn’t even know what to do.  I didn’t know whether to walk away out of embarrassment or start to laugh.  So laugh I did and HARD.  Then she proceeds to go about how people “decorate their va-jay-jays with stuff” like we weren’t even phased by the word coochy, now she has expounded on the subject.  By now, my seester has doubled over in laughter and mine has become so silent I have tears running down my face.  My Mom, giggling, cannot figure out why we are laughing so hard so starts to say something else before my seester interrupts her and says LOUDLY “Mother….quit talking about vaginas!”  This puts me in another laughing fit along with my Mom who now is also crying while she is laughing and I am pretty surprised the saleslady did not ask us to take our giggling cookahs out of the store.  I swear…you cannot make this shit up.  I am laughing even now writing it because my Mom can say the damnedest things (and Mom, since I know you read this….I mean all of this with love because you seriously made our day!).  Laughter is the best thing sometimes and my Mom is pretty funny.  Oh lordy….now I know where we get our obnoxiousness.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I kicked some weight loss’ butt with my awesome mad skills and giggled while I shared but I didn’t die.  I am fat girl greasing up with Crisco and NOT decorating my coochy running.  The experiment continues….

6 thoughts on “How to embarrass your daughters in public (by my Mother) :)

    • ladymiryaa April 13, 2012 / 6:41 pm

      I couldn’t stop laughing as I was typing! Seriously the funniest thing ever!

  1. Bonnie Vance April 13, 2012 / 7:09 pm

    Charo. Brazilian actress , has always said “Coochie coochie” even on network TV in the 60’s!

    • ladymiryaa April 15, 2012 / 8:19 pm

      Yes, but Mom…I am pretty sure she was not referring to her vagina!

  2. Lynn April 14, 2012 / 2:34 pm

    You crack me up! 🙂

    • ladymiryaa April 15, 2012 / 8:19 pm

      Pretty sure I crack myself up as well!

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