The Issue Of The Flass

Everyone has a body part they hate.  A piece of themselves they would love to change.  For me, this issue is my flass.  Seriously.  You would think a Fat Girl like myself would have a nice juicy booty to go with all this extra weight I am carrying around.  Oh but quite contrary, I have a butt that is as flat as a pancake.  There is no fluff in my butt.  It is quite discouraging.  I can do all the butt exercises I want and never does my butt get any bigger.  It, in fact, gets flatter.  How is this possible?  I would worry that something is wrong with me because no one should have a butt this flat, however, my brother seems to have the same problem.  Must be genetic.  His is practically concave it is so flat.  My seester…..she got ALL the booty in the family.  So not fair.  My butt can’t even fill out my jeans.  Do you know how hard it is to find a pair of jeans that don’t make me look like I took a big giant poop in them because they sag so badly?  It really is an issue this flass of mine. Where did the term flass come from?  A friend of mine, Squishy, and I both have this problem with our butts being so flat that they are non existent, so we came up with the term flass.  It fits…flat ass.  It goes right along with our other creation…stoob.  You can tell we have some time on our hands.  Squishy suffers the same problem I do.  Finding a pair of jeans that make the flass look like it is there is near impossible.  We both hate jeans shopping.  With a passion.  Not only can I not find any that fit my flass, but the ones I do find, make my stomach look even bigger.  I don’t need jeans to emphasize my panza.  I don’t need my panza to strain at the zipper, for the button to cause an indentation in my fat that is not my belly button, or for my fat roll to hang over the top of the jeans.  None of that is ever attractive.  Neither is camel toe.  Just saying.

Camel Toe

You know what I meant….but seriously this is not attractive either.

To say I will never be the topic of a Sir Mix A Lot video is correct.  However, I do draw the line at butt implants.  Or these crazy silicone pads you can put in your undies to make you have a butt.  It is like chicken cutlets for your ass.  I don’t want chicken cutlets for boobs let alone for my ass.  What if they slipped down?  Can’t you just picture it?  There you are, dancing, having a good time when all of a sudden your date or friends point out the fact that either you butt cutlet is on the dance floor and your booty has a noticeable flat on one side or that it has migrated somewhere in the vicinity of your thigh, there by looking like you have a tumor.  Can you imagine if it migrated to the front?  Oh lordy.  Oh no you didn’t just picture that.  That might be worse than camel toe.  And how would you explain it or fix it?  Excuse me…I have to go re-insert my butt-let into my panties.  Let’s not even go one step further if you actually started getting down to business with a date.  Never mind the fact that you did gymnastics to shave your girl part jungle, but then to discover you have a butt-let in your pants.  Hmmmmm.  Pretty sure that might be a deal breaker.  Plus, lets factor in the panties you have to wear to hold those things in place.  Yeah.  Not date just shaved my girl part jungle worthy.  So I am not gonna get those.  I will just suffer with my flass. And hope my non existent date does not think I took a giant poop in my jeans.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I tried to increase my flass with some exercises during physical therapy to no avail but did not die.  I am fat girl with a flass running.  The experiment continues….

7 thoughts on “The Issue Of The Flass

  1. jenny85201 January 26, 2012 / 9:58 pm

    I need to remember to have my inhaler nearby when I read these, Stann. AHHHHHhahahahahahahahhaaaahahhhaaa

  2. Jen January 26, 2012 / 10:11 pm

    Lmao!! As a skinny girl I have the SAME issue! I want to scream when I hear women bitch about their big butts! I HATE having a flass lol!

    • ladymiryaa February 4, 2012 / 2:29 pm


      I bet we could come up with a lot of money if we invented jeans for those of us that are flass challenged….

  3. Libdrone January 26, 2012 / 10:57 pm

    lmao. Thanks for a very funny post. Here via a recommendation from my friend Susan Bennett.

    • ladymiryaa February 4, 2012 / 2:29 pm

      Glad you enjoyed! Susan is my college roomie….seems like eons ago! LOVE her books!

  4. Pam January 26, 2012 / 11:13 pm

    My first husband used to say I should carry a wallet and three handkerchief in my back pocket. I wish I’d known what the issue was. I would have said. Get off my flass!

    • ladymiryaa February 4, 2012 / 2:28 pm

      Pam: Now you can say it anytime!! Proud owners of the flass unite!

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