I Eat My Feelings


I know I promised to keep up with writing but this has been a super hard period in my life. Finally, I have decided that writing might help me heal my soul as I had a dear friend die two weeks ago.  Writing his eulogy was very healing so here I am back to writing and I have a lot to catch you up on.

First off, I did see Dr. Will Ferrell and yippee for all no torture was required and the walking boot came off.  Pretty sure I reacted like this:

Either that or I realized that damn I didn’t bring a regular shoe with me and had to go home with that damn thing on one more time.  Ugh.  Stupid fat girl move.  Pretty sure I did the happy fat girl dance (minus the naked part) when I realized not only was the boot off, but no shot either.  But it is off, I am in physical therapy and am down to a brace for the ankle at this point.  The physical therapist is nice and has not required me to do much in the way of torture quite yet, but we shall see.  If she brings out the waterboard, I will know I am in trouble.  We shall see on Tuesday.  Of course, the first thing I asked Dr. Will Ferrell is what my restrictions were.  He tells me to not overdo it and to use pain as my guide.  HUH?  Does he not know me at all? First off, I walked around with a torn meniscus for 6 months because pain is NOT a good indicator to me that there is something wrong.  Secondly, I am a nurse.  Nurses make the worst patients and we push though pain. I mean come on…we don’t pee for twelve hours even though our bladders are at the breaking point.  That is just what we do.  Nurses don’t take breaks.  So now I am actually having to watch what I do and for how long.  I got back into working out the very next week. Did you really think I would wait?  Nope…back to working out it was.  PT tells me no elliptical so it is the fat jiggler for now.  I did try the treadmill and that was too much but of course I still did it.  Duh.  But I did learn that lesson.

Another lesson I learned is that I eat my feelings.  I might have looked like this the week after my friend Stephen died:

PRETTY SURE.

Once I got my appetite back that is…for some reason the grief did a weird thing to me.  I am a FAT girl right?  FAT girls eat their feelings.  For some weird bizarre reason, I had to be reminded to eat by BFF as I wasn’t eating at all.  Wait…what?  When BFF asked me if I had eaten all day and I couldn’t remember, I knew there was a problem.  But once I started…watch out!  There was no stopping me and my HUGELY bad fat girl choices.  Oh well. My weight seems to be a yo-yo lately (of course that extra-large bag of gummi bears in my cupboard might have something to do with that).  Let’s see if I can get it back on track.

Grief also did something else to me….it made me hermit.  Pretty sure if given the choice, I would turn into one of those hoarders living in my own garbage and filth…ok maybe not that bad.  But there might be days where I don’t leave my house at all.  I don’t wanna have to be the fat girl on that show about hoarders having to talk about how I strapped myself to my toilet so I wouldn’t die in my own garbage.  That would be gross.  But I did become very antisocial.  Thank goodness for BFF and for her willingness to come drag me out of my house.  I don’t wanna be the hermiting crazy cat lady on the block that chases small children with a stick away from her door and all the kids are afraid of until some Disney inspired child comes to my door and realizes I am just a grief-stricken lonely old lady….wait….I think that is a Disney movie.  It might involve prisms.  I am not sure but I don’t wanna be that person on the block.  So here is to getting out of my house….

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I did go and work out but then ate my weight in gummi bears.  Sigh.  I am fat girl recovering from grief trying not to be a hoarder or crazy cat lady starting to work out again.  The experiment continues….

13 thoughts on “I Eat My Feelings

  1. jenny85201 January 21, 2012 / 7:56 pm

    I love you, Stann…. you hang in there. All I have to say is don’t get between me and the kitchen when I am upset. I eat my feelings too… and I cook them… complete with slamming shit around the kitchen.

    Like

    • ladymiryaa January 21, 2012 / 8:10 pm

      Thanks my sweet Jenny! It will get better…

      Like

  2. Amy January 22, 2012 / 10:25 am

    I am sorry 4 your loss but honestly you sound like every other fat person on the planet. Full of exuses and blame as to why you are fat.

    Like

    • ladymiryaa January 22, 2012 / 2:33 pm

      Comment approved so my readers may take you on….may God have mercy on your soul as fat girls are about to attack….

      Like

    • jenny85201 January 22, 2012 / 2:38 pm

      Amy…. whatever is wrong with you is no small thing. Welcome to the world of grown-ups where we think before we speak, and we know how to properly write and punctuate sentences. Your comments have no basis in reality, nor were they thought out ahead of time. Just because you have a thought about something does not mean you should share it with the world. Read more of this blog… or go read mine… and learn about the person you are bashing before you open your mouth again. If any of the words are too big for you, I am sure your high school English classes will cover them eventually.

      Like

    • Wendy Albert Bianco January 22, 2012 / 3:02 pm

      Amy as a former skinny girl and now a fat girl I hate to think that you truly believe that this post is about blaming others and finding excuses. While being skinny or fat doesn’t define who we are, it seems to be how the world tries to define us. I would like you to think about what you will be like in 10 or even just 5 years from now. 10, 15, 50 pounds heavier because you’ve had children, got divorced, been sick or had cancer. All of these are very real possibilities for what can happen to any of us. I hope when if it does that you are treated with more compassion and understanding than you have shown here. You might not get that chance to explain that you have a permanent knee injury from years as a ballet dancer that no longer allow you to exercise the way you want to. Or explain that medication you are on for thyroid problems mess with your metabolism so you can no longer shed the weigh you gain even though you eat the same amount of food. Or that you’ve had a rough year emotionally because you lost your mom, best friend or husband and you just didn’t care how much you weighed while you were hurting. I sincerely hope that you don’t meet someone like you who judges quickly and doesn’t think before they speak or write for that matter. Poor grammar aside, you have some learning to do about life and I hope you take this opportunity to do so,

      Like

      • ladymiryaa January 22, 2012 / 4:37 pm

        Agreed. Very well put!

        Like

  3. Shanelle January 22, 2012 / 4:07 pm

    Deer Puh-thet-ic Amee, i dont wont 2 b meen, BUT ther iz NO xcuse 4 ur roodness. Like, how old r u? Did it make you feel better about yourself to pee in someone elses cheerios?

    Like

    • ladymiryaa January 22, 2012 / 4:34 pm

      Shanelle: I love the fact that a teacher took the time to misspell! Awesomeness!

      Like

  4. Jeni W. January 22, 2012 / 8:21 pm

    Amy:

    Your incompetence is matched only by your inability to perceive what my friend is trying to articulate.

    Figure that one out, sister. Then get back to me about “all [of us] fat people.”

    Like

  5. Cathlin January 22, 2012 / 9:15 pm

    Dear Lord, my inner teacher cringed at all the mistakes. Amy- I know your English and Language Arts teachers instructed you better than that.

    Like

  6. Penny January 24, 2012 / 5:28 pm

    I hope you get a taste of your own bad medicine Amy….. Karma is a bitch!

    Like

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