Which Way Should It Wiggle?


The post vacation workouts started after work on Thursday so BFF and I headed to the Y after our twelve hours back in reality. I decided since my plantar fasciitis was still hurting that the fat jiggling bike was the way to go. Problem with that was that only one was available next to the elliptical. Ok no worries, BFF decides she will do the elliptical. As I walk over to the fat jiggler, I see a sign on it stating it is a green bike and is powered by my fat ass. Huh. Ok. Can’t be that bad, right? Fat girl mistake number one of the day.

I get on said green fat jiggler and attempt to pedal. Key word being attempt. Holy fat girl feeling like she is towing a truck behind the stationary bike batman! The pedals barely moved. Whose bright idea was this anyways? I attempted again to power up the fat jiggler only to feel like I was moving through a giant tub of caramel. Mmmmm. Caramel. Great to eat, not to pedal through. After several minutes of attempting to power up this freaking green bike and my thighs feeling like they were on fire, I gave up and went to the elliptical. Pretty sure whoever thought the green bike was a good idea was not a fat girl trying to pedal her fat ass enough to power up the bike. So elliptical it was.

After my failed attempt with the green bike, BFF and I started the funny machine that is the elliptical. This machine makes me feel incredibly uncoordiilnated at times. It is the whole arms and legs moving at the same time thing. I feel as if my fat on my thighs is wiggling in a whole seperate direction than the fat on my arms. Gross. BFF’s machine kept yelling at her for some reason to move her arms so shee decided to hit the mode button to get it to shut up. Hey! What’s this? A reverse mode? That sounds fun so let’s try it! Fat girl mistake number two. The machine tells us it will go regular for five and then backwards for two. Ok…pretty sure I can handle it. What a dumb cocky fat girl mistake that was. When the machine stopped and prompted me to go backwards, I attempted to do so. My poor fat on my thighs had no idea which way to wiggle. My legs were going one way while my my arms continued to go the direction they had been. My fat jiggling was completely not in synch causing me to look alarmingly at my thighs as if they were entitites onto themselves. I didn’t even know my fat could wiggle in that direction! Is it physically possible? How is the fat even moving like that? It was pretty horrifying. Then when the machine switched back to regular, my fat had to switch it’s wiggly jiggly pattern all over again. It was quite confusing to my poor fat! What was I thinking in now trying to be coordinated enough to not only use the elliptical, but also to coordinate my fat wiggling so that it was not creating it’s own Fear Fest movie. I really had not planned that well. I should have at least gotten a sideshow barker to announce to the whole gym that the Amazing Fat Wiggle Woman was performing! Come one! Come all! See it in all it’s full blown glory! The fat wiggles and jiggles as you have never seen before! It seriously was amazing. Now if only I could get paid for my wiggly jiggly.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I survived the weird fat wiggle and didn’t die. I am the amazing fat wiggle woman running. The experiment continues….

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