Being sick SUCKS. It really throws a monkey wrench into everything including work and this whole exercise and getting fit thing. You know what else sucks? Bladder infections. Yeah they REALLY suck monkey balls. Ever had one? Well let me tell you what it is like. First, you feel like you have to pee ALL THE TIME. But when you do go into go potty, only this minute pathetic little amount comes out. WTF? I feel like my bladder is gonna burst and I need a pee pad to catch the small amount that will actually be in there. One of my friends said it was like being pregnant. Having never been pregnant, I wouldn’t know but trust me in saying I don’t wanna be if I have to pee all the freaking time. I mean, who wants to plan their day around where the bathroom is and can you make it there quickly? I sure as heck don’t wanna! Secondly, the bladder spasms that go along with the feeling of having to go all the time really suck. And hurt. Ugh. I had to call off work because I really couldn’t see myself being able to go to the potty every thirty minutes. Even yesterday when I went to the doctor’s office, I went potty three times in half an hour. Seriously? I thought I was gonna pee my pants. To top it all off, I feel like I smell like a urinal. I am sure I don’t but please don’t tell me if I do because I might punch you in the face. Also, I might have to take stock in toilet paper. Needless to say, working out today was definitely out. I made it through the fat jiggling bike yesterday but just barely. At least I was seated for that. I did not feel running would even be an option today because I am pretty sure I might have wet my pants and that would not have been attractive nor comfortable but would have been a ripe opportunity for some Chub Rub to occur. Can you just see what bouncing up and down as I was running would do to my urgent pee situation? I don’t think the neighbors would appreciate it if I dropped trow and peed on their lawn like a dog either. Something tells me they would have called the cops on me. Unless it was SOTL lawn….huh. Maybe I just need to go pee on his lawn. That might deter him from making a skin suit out of me. Or it might just encourage him. What if he has a pee fetish along with a fat girl wanna make a suit out of your skin so I can be a girl fetish? That could be a plus to him that I was peeing on his lawn. I don’t think I will risk it. I really don’t wanna be put in a hole in the basement right now. Plus, today the weather decided it would snow. Snow. Yikes.
Speaking of snow, I must say that this fat girl hates winter. I hate winter clothing. Why? Because they make me feel fatter than I already am. There is no way you can look skinny in heavy sweaters and layers and then the snow pants and jacket. Top all that off with a hat and a scarf and now you have no neck. In fact, I remember as a child my mother dressing me for school and feeling like this:
Winter clothes are bulky and unattractive. I can never find it in myself to buy a cable knit sweater as a fat girl. I mean come on. I don’t wanna look twenty pounds heavier. If I did, I would just go eat that entire bag of chips and then top it off with a whole pizza. Fat girl sweaters are never cute either. Have you ever noticed that on fat girl’s clothing there is always a huge bow or stripes? Does the fashion industry think I want to look like a wide load or dress like a toddler? I don’t need a giant bow on the front of my sweater or some other ridiculous large applique to draw attention to my fatness. Gross. Plus, in winter you can’t wear cute shoes. At least not in Flagstaff you can’t what with all the snow and such. You are kind of limited to boots in the winter. Now winter pajamas I adore but that’s because I love flannel PJs to snuggle up on the couch and get sucked into some reality tv marathon. You might not see me for days if it is snowing and I have a good pair of flannel PJs. Stupid couch. I think it may have super glue on the cushions sometimes and that is what causes me to be kept prisoner on it for long periods, only getting up for food and potty. If I could get food brought to me at the couch sometimes I think I would do it. Sad.
Thinking about snow today and how freaking cold it is outside at the moment led me to ponder the experiment for the winter. Huh. Hadn’t thought of that. I guess the treadmill will become my friend again this winter like it was for my walking training. As long as running on it doesn’t cause it to fall through the floor and into the preschool below. Egads. What a thought. I could see it happening too as it makes this thundering sound on it when I run. I feel like everyone in the Y will turn and look at the elephant fat girl running and be afraid for their lives. I would be. And of course if I noticed everyone looking, then I would be the fat girl who falls off the treadmill like these people:
Seriously. That could be me. You never know. I only say this because I have fallen off of gym equipment before. I will freely admit this. When I was in college, I decided to go use the gym at the University. I decided to use one of those nordic track machines that were so popular in the 90’s. I had never used one before in my life. What made me think I could use it and not look completely and utterly stupid is beyond me. So I try to look cool and act like I know what I am doing. I start to move my feet and promptly fell right off. And I don’t mean just stepped off or stumbled a bit and caught myself. No I mean full on face plant onto the floor with a large thud sound that only a fat girl could make. Yup. That was me. The fat girl laying on the floor with a dazed expression on her face while everyone in the University gym (which of course I had chosen to go at a busy time) turned to look. Of course, I chose to get up and look like I meant to fall like that despite my bruised face and ego. Who was I kidding? Even I have to laugh at the fact that I thought anyone believed I was actually trying to fall off on purpose. Who does that? So having suffered this humiliation in the past, you can see why I have a fear of suffering it again. I don’t wanna be the fat girl who goes flying off the back of the treadmill and crashes full force into the person behind her. That could be painful. For the other person.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. That’s because I am pretty sure I spent all of my time in the bathroom. True story. I am fat girl who hopes she doesn’t smell like a urinal and doesn’t fall off the treadmill. The experiment continues….