Ever just notice something that has probably been there awhile and you were surprised to see it? It gives you this shock of surprise and you feel like you must have been missing something all this time, especially if other people already knew about it. This can lead then to disappointment, like you were missing out on something for how long and nobody bothered to tell you. Kind of like when you realize as a fat girl that you are fat. I mean, it doesn’t just sneak up on you, but it feels like it does. You know you are gaining weight, but sometimes it takes looking at a picture to realize that you are THAT fat. This kind of reality check is surprising, disappointing, and sometimes angering. Today I was reminded of such an incident in talking with a co-worker. Not that I needed to be reminded of how fat I am, but of how I discovered I had a fat roll that was starting to become a stoob. Now, you might be saying, what? You didn’t realize this before? Truly I did not. This was a discovery of the epic kind for a fat girl because discovering a fat roll you never knew existed is very sobering.
It happened when I had my breast reduction a few years back. Now mind you, I had LARGE breasts. 44F to be exact. I mean come on…who has boobs that big? Apparently I do. My bras were so large, that if you cut the straps of and cut them in half, you could fashion yourself a hat. Seriously. I have pictures of my friends with my bra on their heads. Their whole heads. I am not talking a yamika here. I am talking about sitting my bra cup on your head and it wrapping around it like an Amish person’s bonnet. And when you have boobs that big, those bras are not pretty. They rarely come in any color other than black or white and have these huge padded straps that are so attractive. Not to mention the amount of hooks that it takes to contain the sizeable breasts. So, needless to say, I finally decided to have those bad girls reduced. BEST. DECISION. EVER. My friends, being the supportive kind, even threw me a Bye Bye Boobie party complete with Boob Cake. Yup, a boob cake. They even made up a song. It was quite charming. To say I didn’t realize how big my boobs really were is an understatement. The morning of surgery, my plastic surgeon comes in to mark on my skin and he puts this dot on what I feel like is my shoulder. The conversation that followed went something like this: Me: “What is that mark for?” Doc: “That is where I am going to put your nipple.” Me (in a shocked and awed voice): “What? WAY UP THERE?” (I think I thought he was out of his mind at this point. Who has their nipples in an area I can only describe as below my pageant chin and near my shoulder?) Doc: “Well, that is where they are supposed to be.” REALITY CHECK! Your nipples are not supposed to point at the floor! You aren’t supposed to be able to pick up your breast and fold it into your bra and have to have a Hoyer lift to lift them up. Oh I felt dumb and quite embarrassed. But this isn’t even the defining moment of surprise I am talking about. That happened about three days after surgery.
BFF came over to remove my bandages. It really does pay to have friends who are nurses and will empty your JP drains, assist you to the potty, and remove bandages and not care. You kind of lose all your modesty when you have surgery. She looked at me and asked if I was ready. I took a deep breath, knowing that how my body looked was now forever changed. A thought the is both exciting, yet terrifying. She removed the bandages with me facing away from that huge ass nemesis of mine, the bathroom mirror. When I turned and looked, I was pleased. My breasts were a manageable size. They finally looked like they belonged on my body and not taking over it. They used to proceed me into a room and now they were nice and perky and cute. Awesome. Then I looked down. Hey! Where did that come from? All of a sudden, there was a fat roll I had NEVER seen before. I did a double take. Then I touched and pinched it. Seriously. That was never there before surgery. Did all of my boob fat get rearranged into this massive roll that now makes me look like the Michelin Man with rolls everywhere? BFF asks me “Well? What do you think?” since there was obviously stunned silence and I had not said a word. I looked at her, pointed to the offensive roll of fat and said “Where did THAT come from?” She looked at me like I had three heads and replied “THAT is what you are worried about? Your whole body is bruised to kingdom come, you have drains coming out of your armpits, you are covered in steristrips, your boobs are smaller, you haven’t had a shower in three days and you are concerned with a fat roll?” Pretty sure she thought I was crazy. I looked at her, shock and dismay rolling over my face and tears starting to pool. “That was never there before I swear. I think he took my boob fat and put in to another fat roll for the fat girl.” BFF then laughed and told me she thought the fat roll had always been there and that my ginormous breasts had covered it up. How dare they! How insensitive to hide from me a roll the size of a tire! Ugh. Now I am fatter than I realized and I can’t even hide the reality from myself with these new smaller, cuter, perkier breasts. Nope. Now the breasts just meld into the fat roll and cause a stoob. Great. Big reality check for the fat girl. And the roll is still there to this day. Teasing me. Reminding me of its exsistance when I put on clothes to go work out in.
I saw this mocking fat roll when I went to go work out after work the last two days. It jiggled there while I rode the bike. It pushed up on my boobs to create the stoob effect and I had to look away hoping no one else saw it. Today I was a greasy raccoon mess after riding the bike. I even left a butt sweat stain on the seat to prove it. Luckily for the next person, I washed it off. Or did I? No running the last couple of days. I was just too tired after work and it was all I could do to drag myself to the Y with BFF to ride the bike. There is always tomorrow.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. Instead, I was reminded of discovering a fat roll I never knew I had. Great. Cuz that is a pleasant memory. I am fat girl traumatized by my fat roll discovery all over again. The experiment continues…..