There are some things that should not be hard. Some things should be easy and quick and pain-free. This is the thought that crossed my mind in the shower as I began to start my Olympic gymnastics routine to shave my legs and girl parts. I don’t wanna twist myself up like a pretzel and work up a sweat while I am in the shower. Seriously. But being a fat girl, shaving is NOT easy, quick and sometimes not pain-free. You don’t believe me? Then you are not fat. To shave the legs, I have to lean over my fat belly and I must admit this makes me really notice how fat I am as it compresses my diaphragm and pushes my fat into all sorts of weird shapes and rolls that are really not attractive. Now, the real gymnastics begin when you have to go shave the girl parts. First of all, to even accomplish this requires lifting and contorting and squinting and attempting to push things out of the way to just try to see what you are doing. I certainly do not appreciate having to lift the fat to even try to see my bikini area. Is this really necessary? I contemplated not doing the maintenance but then decided that having a jungle down there, while popular with the hippie patchouli and body odor loving girls in Flagstaff, is not attractive. Can you just see it…if I were to look down and see a jungle complete with monkeys swinging from the trees and an Easter Island Idol or two between my legs, I am pretty sure I would stay single forever. I somehow do not see this as way to actually get any action at all so I decided to go ahead with the scheduled maintenance on the girl parts just in case I might have that opportunity. So, let the gymnastics begin! To shave an area you cannot see is quite the feat. I have to move the fat around just to get an eyeball to see what I am doing. I am quite aware of every fat roll on my body when this occurs, including that damn pageant queen chin I have which is now squished up and making itself seen from a whole new angle. And even lifting the fat belly up and over, does not give you a good view of the whole area. If you are not careful, you can shave off a vital part that you will probably want use of later. I have come close to doing this and I choose not to perform female circumcision on myself so I have to be very careful with that razor. That scared me so much so that I had to stop and triple check that every part was where it should be since I couldn’t move the fat out of the way hunched over it to see properly. True story. I think I have PTSD from it. Working up a sweat to shave the girl parts just in case might seem pointless to some of you, but us fat girls have hope that some day this will be all worth it. Plus, I really am a girly girl (ask any of my friends they will agree they have rarely seen me without makeup) and I just cannot leave it to grow on its own and have little pygmies hunting things in there. So the gymnastics will continue.
Worked out at the Y again yesterday and again rode the fat jiggling bike and increased it without pain so this gives me hope. Monday will be the two-week deadline the Fake Porno Doctor gave me and I am cleared to attempt running again. I went for a walk tonight in the neighborhood and guess who I ran into? Yup! I turn the corner and there is Silence Of The Lambs man watering his lawn and practically drooling over the sight of me. I almost turned and ran screaming down the street but I kept my cool and kept walking and turned the music up louder. Glancing up, I see him waving at me. Oh geez. Really? And he is saying something which I can’t hear from the obvious earbuds in. I reluctantly pulled one out and this is the conversation that occurred. SOTL: “Great to see you out here tonight!” Me: “Uh…thanks.” SOTL: “So are you always out here at this time?” Me (thinking the conversation has turned stalkerish and must leave now) “Nope. I don’t even live in this neighborhood. Have a good night.” SOTL (looking dejected and sad) “I like seeing you out here getting fit. Too bad you don’t live nearby.” I quickly put in my earbud at this point and checked to make sure I had my cell phone in case I needed to call for help and walked away as fast as I could, looking over my shoulder for a quite awhile thinking I would suddenly have chloroform pushed into my nostrils. CREEPY! Pretty sure he will be leaving lotion on my front porch soon and next time might point his hose at me to soak me with it screaming “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again”. Eeeegads.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. Got creeped out but didn’t die. I am fat girl gymnast. The experiment continues….