Let’s list what I ate today. Goodness. Do I dare? First of all, healthy choices for breakfast in the airport are non existent. So Wendy’s it was. I did have an OJ at least. But I love OJ so not really a sacrifice there. Plus getting up at the butt crack of dawn to get to the airport didn’t really help with my decision making. At that point in time, after going through airport security where the carpet was damp (Do I dare ask why?) I really didn’t care what I ate as long as I ate something. Then came the plane. Ok now I realize I am a fat girl, but I am nota FAT girl. Who the heck sized up the seatbelt on that plane? I literally had to let it all out to fasten it and this just shot up my fat girl terror level that I was gonna have to buy another seat before they would allow the plane to take off. Oh holy embarrassment. I might be too fat for the seatbelt. Finally…a Click was heard and I could finally allow my breath to escape.
After my first day in Memphis and eating to the point of gluttony (Can you say duck two ways?) I decided to brave the hotel pool for some exercise. The fitness room consisted of a treadmill and an elliptical. Now they do have complimentary passes to the local 24 hr fitness, but I decided a single female going to a place unknown to me was not safe. So pool it was. Here is where the fun begins in the experiment.
First there is a definite worn spot in my suit from playing with the girls. So oh joy you can see my fat whitness through it. I decided I would not obsess about this and went anyways to the pool. Lovely. There are other people in the pool. Not a big pool but enough for me to to do some water walking/running. As I start I hear this sloshing, slapping sound. Wth? Then I see them. The waves. Yes, fat girl running in the water is making waves in the pool. Great. I am my own wave machine. I quickly looked around to see if anyone noticed. Did I mention there were other people in the pool? Not just any people but it seemed like a full on redneck convention in the pool and when I looked, Bubba and all of his friends were looking right at me. I looked back like “What? You have never seen a fat girl wave machine before?” I then mustered as much dignity as I could and continued on with the slapping sloshing noises all around me. It sounded like sloppy wet kissing sounds. Gross. I tried so hard to find something else to distract me, but Bubba’s conversation about his semi truck and ex wife really didn’t interest me. I felt like I was in a bad country song. But I did find something to distract me from sounds of sloppy lovemaking all around me. The fact that my taking portion of my suit was now ridingup with each step I took exposing the soft white underbelly of the fat girl. Eek! How long had that been out there? I quickly pulled it down only to have it creep up like a stalker. Seriously. No one needs to see the white fat rolls. Trust me I am super white. Blinding white. This causes me to have to grab onto my top and hold it down looking like a prissy white fat girl trying to exercise in the pool but just succeeding in making sloppy wet lovemaking sounds without the sex. Not pretty. After listening to Bubba starting to go over the joys of his current wife Bobbie Sue, I decided to leave. I had accomplished thirty minutes at this point anyways.
There you have it. I am true to my word. I worked out on vacation and I have my Mom to back me up. Well, in reality, she has no idea if I truly did or just hung around drinking beers with Bubba and his crew and just got my swimsuit wet. I swear I went swimming! I worked out on vacation! Unheard of. But now I can eat again tomorrow without guilt. Graceland here I come!
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I am fat girl who makes her own waves while blinding youwith her fat roll running in water. The experiment continues….