I love to eat. A lot. I won’t deny it. I eat for a lot of reasons. I like food. I am a foodie and even spend time watching the food network. I LOVE to cook. The problem is I don’t like to cook for myself. Living by yourself does not lend to cooking for yourself. Why? Cooking for one is sad. I like to cook for lots of people and I am not lots of people. It takes time and effort and love to cook and not something I want to do just for myself. Therefore, being single leads to very unhealthy eating habits. Did I mention I eat for lots of reasons? Let’s put it this way. Us fat girls, a lot of us eat our feelings. It’s true and I will admit I do this. Bored? Eat a cupcake. Sad? Open a bag a of chips. Happy…we all know our culture celebrates over food. Food doesn’t judge you and doesn’t lie to you. Food comforts and for a little while we can eat and shove those feelings down that we don’t wanna deal with…it’s true. I even eat when I am tired and trying to stay awake. That is a pitfall of working nights. Ever try to eat healthy? This is the hardest thing I have ever done. You might think it’s easy. Just don’t eat that cookie or open that carton of ice cream. Seriously? You obviously have never been fat or eaten your feelings. It’s like a crack addiction. Sometimes once you start, you can’t stop. I have this bad habit of going grocery shopping and then wanting to sample everything I bought later that night. And lets not even discuss how I can’t get in the car for a two-hour ride to Phoenix without snacks, especially corn that is popped with cheese that is white. What is that about? Ahhhhh…the inner fat girl screams to eat and I can’t even hear you over her. It is a real struggle.
Since I was not very good about eating healthy this week and with the knee putting my running on hold, I avoided the scale because I did not want to be reminded of my bad habits. I did ride the fat jiggling recumbent bike yesterday and managed to drag my tired butt out for a walk today. What did I think about the entire walk? Food. Food consumed my walk today. I could hear the food over the music in my ears. It was irritating. Then, sitting on that damn couch this afternoon I kept seeing commercials about food. The ones that struck me were the diet food commercials. So you are saying if I replace two regular meals with a Special K product I won’t be hungry and I will lose weight? My inner fat girl starts laughing heartedly at that. Seriously? Ever tasted some of that diet food? It tastes like crap. And the thought that some little tiny breakfast bar will be enough to satisfy my inner fat girl makes me laugh even harder. I don’t have that kind of willpower. What the hell? My BFF has the best willpower and I wish I could do what she does and only has a hand full of M&M’s. HA! I will eat my package and then the rest of hers and look for the ones spilled on the floor at the same time. Unless we are at work cuz there is no five second rule on the floor of a hospital. Ew. Then I have to contemplate throwing them out or washing them with the antibacterial hand jizz to make sure they are germ free so they usually end up in the trash. Trust me, I really have considered the washing them off with the jizz but the chemical smell put me off. (Did I mention I have a germ phobia?) Trying to eat healthy is starting to make me crabby. I just want a good plate of meat and potatoes covered in gravy and followed by the ice cream sundae as big as your head. I don’t want no little bag of diet chips that taste like cardboard. Gross. I know how to eat healthy…I am a nurse after all. But remember, nurses make the worst patients. And telling my patients how to eat and trying to do that myself makes me just reach for the red licorice instead. I think it might be a mental block. I am afraid if I eat healthy I will become that annoying health nut that does lunges down the hall to her patient’s room and makes unappetizing food to bring to potlucks. I don’t wanna be that girl. But I don’t wanna be fat any more either. Hmmmm. There must be a happy medium somehow. I seriously need my BFF’s willpower in a pill. That would help. Wouldn’t be as much fun as the Guinness Pill we once thought up. We decided that would be the way to make it through a shift at work…just take a Guinness Pill and people would be MUCH easier to deal with! Just tell me to go take my medicine if I got crabby…promise you I would be in a much better mood. Guinness solves everything.
Update on the knee and the experiment. Knee still hurts and hurts bad enough that I called and made an appointment to see my Ortho doc about it. That should tell you something. While I like my Ortho doc and am friends with him and his wife outside of being a patient, I choose not to see him on this level. Last time he told me it was cuz I was over forty and fat. Ok…not in those words but pretty much made me wanna slap him upside the head when he said it. Sigh. Being fat can be hard on your body in so many ways. Hence me trying to eat healthy. Think I will go eat that donut now.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die on my walk today. Walked 4 miles and didn’t die. Lost in thoughts of food but didn’t die. I can hear that donut calling me know. I am fat girl resisting the urge to eat that donut. The experiment continues…..