All my friends who are runners say I tried to do too much to start out with and hence my knee injury. Hmmmmm. Ok so maybe a slight adjustment in the experiment is in order. Maybe only trying to run three to four days a week and other forms of exercise the other days. This way, I am still up and moving every day but my knee won’t say such foul words to me. After working a twelve-hour shift last night, BFF and I hit the Y and I decided to try to adjust my experiment. I went and rode the recumbent bike.
Oh my. The recumbent bike. It starts off all nice and my knee felt good doing it. Then I looked down and what do I see as I am recumbenting? I could see all of my fat rolls laying there in all their glory. And not only that but my thighs are hitting my belly making it bounce up and down like Santa’s belly. Really? Haven’t I suffered enough? Nope. All the fat rolls had come out to play and laugh. They were all pushed up together making very distinct rolling hills of fat on my landscape. Then it was like looking at a car wreck, I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. My stoob and my belly. All jiggly and out there. Gross. Great, now I even gross myself out. I tried to distract myself by talking with BFF about said crappy work shift but I kept seeing them jiggling in the corner of my eye. I felt like a crazy person trying to ignore a hallucination attempting to hold a conversation while darting her eyes at the hallucination to see if it was still there and trying to see if anyone else is looking at them too but then just looking crazy by darting your eyes around. Yup. Fat rolls still there. Still jiggling. Great. Not crazy but just fat. Well I guess that is a relief. Would hate to be crazy on top of it all. I do have to say this about the recumbent bike. It really works your flass. My flass actually was sore when I got up after sleeping today. Maybe it could give me a real butt rather than a flass? Is it like the Blue Fairy in Pinocchio and I can ask “I really want a real butt!”. Hmmmm….somehow I doubt I will see Jiminy Cricket drifting by on his umbrella while I am at the Y working on my flass and watching my fat rolls become intimate friends and giggle about it. That would be a sure sign that I was going crazy though. Quit giggling fat rolls. You will be banished by the end of this experiment! Someday I will be able to look down and see my toes and not have to peer over you. Better yet….one day I will not have to lift my fat rolls out of the way to do some much needed bikini shaving. Now that, my friends, is a lesson in humiliation. When you can’t even see your vajajay because of your fat rolls. Nothing says” Hey! Wanna be my lovah?” like having to lift up your fatness to see your girl parts to shave. Ew. Pretty sure there is a reason I am single. Combine that with the raccoon grease stain I left on the seat of the recumbent bike and you see why. That was also gross and led me to wonder how many people actually wipe down the equipment like we do when we are done. Now I have the skieves all over again. Nasty.
In light of making adjustments this week to my experiment, I must warn you that this is hard for me to do. Part of me feels like it is a failure on my part that I can’t go out running every day. But then, I have to remind myself that I am fat, forty and not fit. It is an accomplishment just to be moving some days because the couch really does scream at me to come and enjoy it dammit! It hatches evil plans with the weather like rain and says “Oh…wouldn’t you just be more comfy laying on me watching mindless tv than outside in that weather. You hate to be outside. Just come. Sit. I will cover you with a blanket and bring you a hot cocoa and turn on the tv.” It is like an addiction to crack I tell you! How do you get away? And then I find myself apologizing to it like an abused woman “It was only thirty minutes. I am back!” Ugh. It really is time to get this fat girl away from its evil clutches! So I guess I have to give myself credit that every day I am still moving my fat girl body for thirty minutes a day, even if it isn’t running. But I will run that Tinkerbell 5K in Jan 2013! Who’s with me? We could have a whole group of fat girls running the 5K. That would be wicked cool. We could make shirts and everything. Do I now sound desperate for friends? Yikes. I have it set as a goal and I don’t back down from goals easily. You should have seen what it took me to stop walking on the 3 Day last year. I tried to ignore the giant blisters I had on the balls of my feet for 22 miles and only stopped because the nurse made me. Damn nurses. Told you we make the worst patients. So I am no stranger to goals. Just I am easily distracted….SQUIRREL!
Now I must go raid my fridge for something to feed the inner fat girl. Think there is anything in there besides jello and mac and cheese (yum nummies)? Maybe a fruit snack or two? Lets see what happens when I have to face the scale tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.
Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. Well, I almost died of embarrassment looking at my fat rolls jiggle but I didn’t die. I am fat girl getting fit. The experiment continues…