The Fat Girl Running – Kristann Monaghan

I figured out the key to getting up early out of my bed to go running.  My BFF.  Thank goodness she texted me and said “I am going to the Y at 0815.”  This made me responsible enough to get my fat lazy butt out of my oh so warm and comfy bed this am and go meet her there.  Yup.  Got up and pulled a dirty sports bra out of the pile.  No…I didn’t do my laundry yesterday.  I went back out to the Fair instead and got me some more fry bread.  And a cinnamon roll as big as your head.  Don’t judge.  My stoob commanded I eat it.  I didn’t eat the cinnamon roll all myself…I had help.  It was seriously HUGE.  So therefore, I did not do my laundry because the couch then required my attention. It lured me there with Celebrity Rehab.  Swear it.  But I did manage to get up and take my faintly smelling of raccoon grease butt to the Y.  The knee still is bothering me.  Had to wear the heavy-duty brace again and didn’t run as fast or as much as I normally do.  However….I did manage to run a full two minutes and thirty seconds before the pain made me stop!  That’s longer!  Even injured I am making some progress.  I would pat myself on the back but I try to avoid touching my back fat at all costs.  The knee still hurt pretty good today afterwards so I might have to take a day off to see if it gets any better.  I don’t wanna have to give up on my experiment due to an injury.  Although, this could get me out of work for a bit….hmmmmm…..nah.  I don’t wanna use my PTO on something like that.  I would rather use it to go somewhere…like DL perhaps!

The treadmill.  Today it was later than when I went last week so at least I didn’t have to see my fat chin waving at me reflected in the window.  (Yes…I still see you!  I know you are there!  Quit waving already!) However, since I didn’t have the wanna be beauty queen waving chin to distract me, today I got to notice how much the treadmill shook as I ran on it.  Really?  Shaking?  I know I am a fat girl, but come on.  There does not need to be an earthquake happening underneath my feet as I run.  Ugh.  I felt like an elephant running through the Savannah on my way to wallow in the mud hole.  It seriously shook and rattled my keys in the little pocket as I ran.  Pretty sure I don’t notice that when I am running on real ground.  Maybe my neighbors do.  Maybe that is why creepy Silence of The Lambs guy always seems to be out when I am running.  He hears his fat suit thundering by and is soon gonna be chasing me down the street with lotion.  Might need to look for a chicken bone to distract his poodle dog Precious.  Maybe I do cause little earthquakes as I run.  Great.  Just what I needed…for my chatty neighbors to lean outside their doors looking for the elephant running by with a giant pink bow in her hair.  Nope…not an elephant folks.  Just the fat girl running.  Sorry to disappoint.  I will never be taken seriously.  It’s bad enough that the other day a neighborhood child decided he wanted to race me on his bike while I ran.  A bike.  With a seven-year old on it.  Hmmmm….bike vs fat girl running.  Who do you think won?  I really wanted to reach out and shove my Crazy Cat Lady stick in his spokes when he rode by me the second time and decided to race me again.  Gee kid.  Think the outcome is gonna be any different this time?  If you come by a third time, I might have to push you down and run away.  Cuz that would be grownup.  Sigh.  At least he realized the futility of his race and stopped before I had to humiliate him and smoke him in the next race by jumping on the back of Motorized Wheelchair Guy and winning.  What?  That’s more grownup than my other options although I would get more satisfaction in the Crazy Cat Lady Stick idea.  You know you would wanna do it too.  You know if you saw me do that you would secretly giggle into your hand and turn away because you wanted to do it yourself.  True story.  Don’t judge.

Thought I would share with you my new playlist in case you wanted to try it out.  I needed another option depending on my mood and after dealing with Racing Boy I needed somewhere to channel my inner anger.  There seems to be a theme of lots of eye/guy liner and some big hair thrown into this one.  It’s definitely one that keeps me running/racing.  So here it is:

1. In The End by Linkin Park
2. Till The World Ends by Britney Spears
3. Dr. Feelgood by Motley Crue
4. Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks
5. Faint by Linkin Park
6. If I Had You by Adam Lambert
7. Blow by Ke$ha
8. Give Me Everything by Pitbull

Maybe I should take my MP3 player with me next time to the Y so I don’t have to hear my feet pounding on the treadmill and I can ignore the thunderous sounds and shaking of the machine.  At least I am out there.  And I need to congratulate several of my readers who are fellow fat girls for getting out there and even walking!!  WAY TO GO fat girls!!  We need to start a club with a secret handshake and rituals and dancing naked in the moonlight and sacrifices of poodle dogs named Precious…wait.  That might be part of a cult I was once in.  My memory is hazy because of the drugs but pretty sure. But that is for another time.  Hang on.  I need to go repress that now.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  Might have started a tremor in the Flagstaff area, but I didn’t die.  I am thundering fat girl running (where is that mud hole….wallowing in the mud could be fun).  The experiment continues….