Beware Of The Bouncing Boobies

For two mornings in a row I have attempted to get up early and run without success.  Remember what I said last week about not being a morning person?  (Insert picture of snarling cat here).  Having failed to get up at the butt crack of dawn, I once again found myself  preparing to run after church.  Not a problem.  Huh.  No clean sports bra in the drawer.  Problem.  I temporarily debated removing a dirty one from the ginormous pile of laundry sitting in my bathroom (I might need to do that at some point) but decided I wouldn’t be able to stand the smell of me if I did that.  The thought of smelling like days old raccoon grease was not appealing (Now do you wanna be my lovah?  Ew).  Now, some things you might be able to do without a sports bra on but not running.  Seriously.  Unless you are as flat as a pre-teen girl, I do not recommend it.  Unless you wanted to give every neighborhood guy a reason to stare and give yourself a black eye, it is really not advisable.  Even with having smaller boobies, I would not consider running without a sports bra.  That would require me to have a flashing neon sign above me while I ran saying “Beware of the bouncing boobies!” and “Danger! Accident ahead!”  I decided to look in my drawer again, in case in the five minutes since I had looked there it had become a magic drawer and provided me with a clean sports bra.  Digging to the bottom of the drawer, I did indeed find one!  Ah-ha!  Thank you magic drawer.

As I started out on my trek, I discovered the reason this particular bra was in the bottom of the drawer.  I hate this bra.  This bra sucks.  It has absolutely no support whatsoever.  Whoever made this bra was a man.  A man who does not know the peril of having unconfined boobies while running.  My friends with bigger boobies as well as myself who used to be in the larger Ta-Ta club can agree….it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world.  We try desperately to tame those ta-tas, most of the time without success.  We strap them into bras that are two sizes two small cuz that might contain them even if it means the fat rolls must now not just ooze out the sides of the sports bra, but protrude until they are a whole entity of their own.  We try bras that say they are minimizing (which is just another term for squished, flattened big boobies) or high impact.  I wanna know what size boobies tried those high impact bras out.  Not a decent to larger sized boobies I can assure you.  Sports bras give us fat girls the uni-boob effect as well, leaving the sweat that runs down between them to collect and make its own lake sized puddle complete with lake effect weather.  Then the sweat proceeds to run into the fat roll that inevitably is under your boobies, thereby enhancing it in all it’s glory for everyone to see.  We affectionately call this a “stoob” in my circle of friends.  It’s when your boobs and your stomach fat roll become one.  Don’t laugh.  You know what I say is true.  I am looking at mine right now and you know you are too.   I shall introduce you to the other term we use which is “vagelly” another time.  Just think about it.  I am sure you can figure out what we are referring to.  I know some of us fat girls have even tried two sports bras to contain the girls.  This is just uncomfortable and hard to breathe.  I even went so far when I was in ballet, to use an ace wrap underneath my bra.  So you see, fat girls want to exercise, there are just parts of our body that are harder to contain to do so.  Now try putting decent size boobies (I still am a 40C remember) in a bra that basically felt like a slip of fabric over them.  Yup.  You get the picture.  I turned on my flashing neon sign.

Today was a struggle.  First the bouncing boobies issue and then my knee.  Stupid knee that had a meniscus tear and removed a couple of years ago.  I even wore the heavy-duty knee brace today but running really hurt so mostly walked.  Now you have to understand, pain is not a good indicator to me that something is wrong and I have a very high tolerance for pain.  When i injured my knee the first time around, I walked on it for six months with it torn.  Upon finally having surgery, my doc said it was one of the worst tears he had ever seen since my meniscus was basically flipped over my knee cap.  He did not understand how I walked on it and exercised on it for six months.  Huh.  You mean it’s not supposed to hurt when you go up stairs?  So for me to say my knee hurt, it hurt.  I did try to run however and probably succeeded for about half the length I have been.  But the point was, I tried.  That is what I keep telling my other fat girl friends…just try.  Even if you are only walking, you are still moving.  So not a total fail but not a pleasant day either.  Brace is still on by the way….

On a side note…I had no idea so many people would be interested in a fat girl running.  But over 500 views in 10 days says I was wrong!  Thank you dear readers for tuning in and laughing with me! Keep reading and I will keep running.

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die today.  I am limping bouncing boobies fat girl running.  But I am still running.  The experiment continues…

8 thoughts on “Beware Of The Bouncing Boobies

  1. wendybird70 September 4, 2011 / 4:54 pm

    Next time just used the dirty one…it’ll definitely keep the Silence of the Lambs neighbor away. Love you!

    • ladymiryaa September 4, 2011 / 5:24 pm

      Thank goodness he wasn’t out or maybe he was watching me from his window…..creepy

  2. Paprika Furstenburg September 4, 2011 / 5:15 pm

    I completely sympathize with your plight which is why I stick to low impact exercise. There should be a Nobel Prize for anyone who can actually design a sports bra for the well-endowed woman that actually supports the girls without creating the uniboob effect.

    • ladymiryaa September 4, 2011 / 5:24 pm

      I cannot agree with you more…maybe we should do so. Nah! That requires more work than I am inclined to do! Thanks for reading!

  3. azshopgirlie September 5, 2011 / 12:42 am

    you are fearless and wonderful! loving the blog- don’t stop! This post made me remember the Oprah episode where she covered sports bras that really work (supposedly). Did you see it? I googled “sports bra that oprah recommends”. Maybe worth a look….:-)

    • ladymiryaa September 5, 2011 / 7:11 pm

      Renata: I will have to check that out. The girls need some containment! Thanks for the support Mamacita!

  4. Carol Shahriary September 5, 2011 / 12:19 pm

    You inspired me to start walking again. Starting at 5 minutes a day and increasing by 2 minutes every other day, I had made it up to 20 minutes when I was laid low by an arthritis flare up. I can do 5 minutes. I just need to stop when I get to 18 minutes, right? Yeah! Fat old lady walking!

    • ladymiryaa September 5, 2011 / 7:11 pm

      Way to go Carol!!! Proud of you!!! Be the fat old lady walking!!

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