The Fat Girl Running – Kristann Monaghan

Work challenge figured out again today.  Hit the Y afterwards with the BFF, despite being so tired that I am sure this was our conversation. “The Brain: Are you pondering what I’m pondering? Pinky: I think so, Brain, but can the Gummi Worms really live in peace with the Marshmallow Chicks?” Today I noticed two things.  First off, how much I sweat.  Gross.  Pretty sure the sweat dripping off the end of my nose was extremely attractive.  Note to self.  Do not try to flirt with anyone while running.  That much sweat, combined with the red face and panting/wheezing is sure to disgust anyone.  Including myself.   I looked like I had been dipped in a big vat of grease by the time I was done.  Not to mention the wonderful sweat puddles that form under your fat rolls.  WTF is that all about?  Like I need more attention brought to the fact that I am fat, without a big sweat line outlining my fat roll making it defined as if to say “Hello!  If you are to see me naked, you will not see ab definition but you can be lucky enough to see this roll of fat between my boobs and my waist!  Now…don’t you just wanna see me naked?”  I don’t even wanna see me naked, let alone let someone else see me naked.  Us fat girls go to great lengths to hide these fat rolls from the world.  Hence spanx.  What fat girl doesn’t know the wonder of those things?  But workout clothes, being body huggers, leave no room for the imagination.  Put a big sweat puddle there and the workout shirt tends to get sucked into the void in between the fat roll, leaving it defined for the whole world to see.  I have yet to conquer this problem and spent quite a bit of time today dislodging my shirt from said fat roll.  It gave me a distraction from that waving, bobbing chin fat (Hello!  Still here in case you missed me!) but was still as equally annoying.

Second thing I noticed today.  The fact that I forgot to remove my makeup before running.  You see, I am this rare thing found in Flagstaff called the girly girl and I wear makeup to work and usually put it on before I leave the house.  Remember….Flagstaff is a hippie town.  Most girls do not wear makeup, let alone shave their legs around here.  Patchouli and body odor.  That funky earth smell.  Need I say more?  I wear makeup to work and did not even think about the fact that maybe I should remove said makeup before running on the treadmill.  Let’s ponder this combo…vat of grease and makeup.  Yup.  I looked like a raccoon by the time I was done.  Raccoons can be funny like my favorite Allstate commercial. “I am a raccoon.  And this time in your attic has been the best time of my life” If you have not seen this one….watch it.

Funny stuff.  But that is what I looked like by the end of my running today.  A raccoon dipped in a vat of grease.  I turned to BFF and said “How hot am I?  Wanna be my lovah?”  She immediately burst into laughter and said “Ew.  No.”  We both laughed so hard that I almost became that fat girl who flys off the end of the treadmill and onto her face.  Note to self.  Raccoon dipped in vat of grease NOT attractive. At least I removed the absurdly large pink bow from my head today.  That was a step in the right direction!  Making progress.

I did manage to run more today!  I ran a whole 1.45 minutes without stopping!  Woot Woot!  Big accomplishment from the thirty seconds I started out from.  Even BFF said I was recovering faster today in my walking spurts. And I ran more during the workout.  3 minutes more.  BFF looked at me seven minutes in and said “Will you run already.  I am tired!”  Nothing like a jolt from your BFF to wake you up from the post 12 hour night shift from hell  how much does our job suck sometimes stupor I was in to start actually running.  Glad she did it though.  It proved to me that I can do this longer than I thought.  Hmmmm.  Am I actually progressing?

Oh yeah.  I didn’t die again.  I am fat girl racoon dipped in a vat of grease running.  The experiment continues….